Why Hope in All Things?

Many years ago someone defined depression to me as being the absence of hope.  If you think about it, the concept makes a lot of sense.  Would anyone ever commit suicide if they believed there was even one last shred of hope?  No.

As a result, I became increasingly interested in the idea of hope.  In the Thirteen Articles of Faith which outline the religious beliefs of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, there is a phrase which reads, "Indeed you may say we follow the admonition of Paul.  We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things and hope to endure all things." (emphasis added)

The phrase reference comes from Paul's epistles to the Corinthians in the New Testament.  If you know anything about Paul, following his conversion to Christianity he was persecuted with a great number of adversities.  The Articles of Faith were written by Joseph Smith, a prophet, who was sorely persecuted for his Christian beliefs, a persecution which, like Paul, ultimately led to his martyrdom.  Neither had any outwardly open reason to believe there was hope in all things, did they?  Their lives were filled with suffering, so why say such a thing?

In order to find answers I began searching the scriptures, studying every reference to hope.  Did you know that the book of Job is literally innundated with references to hope?  He was the last guy who should have had hope.  Job had done absolutely nothing wrong.  He was a good man who was left to the open buffetings of Satan.  Why did he hold on and endure?  He specifically talks about how he wishes at one point that he had never been born.  That sounds an awful lot like severe depression to me.

The more I studied, the more I saw reference after reference speaking of Christ as the source of all hope. He was the reason why all of these men perservered.  Christ? I wondered.  How could Christ be the reason for hope in all things?  Yes, I had no doubt His atonement was infinite and eternal, filling in the gaps, compensating for all of mankind's sins.  Through Him I knew perfect justice balanced with mercy could be achieved.  But how could He be the source of hope in all things when with depression we have so little hope that getting out of bed in the morning is a challenge; taking showers, surviving a day at school or work seems impossible; at times just surviving the next five minutes without having your entire mentality slip into some deep, dark, endless abyss?

It made me angry.  How could Christ be the answer?  For a while all I could do was rely upon faith, holding fast to the knowledge that the scriptures were true.  But, I needed something more.

Then, the ultimate blow hit me.  After having two children which had caused me to have such severe psychotic postpartem depression that I was hospitalized, I found out I was pregnant again.  My husband and I had been doing everything we could within reason to avoid getting pregnant.  Every medical professional who knew of my condition had adamantly told me having another child could very well leave me permanently insane.  We were poverty stricken, with medicad for medical insurance.  I'd actually seen the state mental hospital.  Death was a better option than permanent insanity.  How could I have this child?

On the other hand, how could I not have the child?  Two times I'd known how very real the babies were even from the very beginning.  I didn't believe in abortion.  It would have been like willfully killing my own baby.

Everywhere I turned, doctors were telling me abortion was my only option.  According to them I had to consider my own personal welfare first.  But then, why had God given me this child?  I wondered.  Where was the hope?

Slowly I came to realize first, that I would never be able to forgive myself if I did not have the baby.  Second, if God was going to give me this child and as part of that, if it was His will for me to go permanently insane, then so be it.  Who was I to question God's will?  I knew that God loved me.  I knew He would not give me any trial greater than I could endure, which meant that even if I did go insane, I could still obtain eternal salvation.  For the first time in my life I completely put my trust in God because I knew through Christ He had designed a plan which would ultimately bring me happiness not regardless of the hardship but because of the hardship.  This was my opportunity to learn and grow.

For nine months I did everything in my power to prepare for what would come following the birth.  I set up a situation so that for three solid months I would have someone with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, making sure the children and I were safe.  I went to doctors, considred every medical option, deliberately having the birth induced two weeks early since I knew the sooner the child was out, the better off I was.  I threw everything I had into my hope in Christ, that if I did everything in my ability to prepare and live right, He would do the rest.  Whatever the outcome, I knew it would be okay.

It was.  My miracle daughter was born healthy and strong.  As expected, the episodes of psychosis began, but because of my preparations, I knew what to do, how to stop things before they became worse, how to re-direct my thoughts, distract myself, use biofeedback, ask for help.  At times it was as if the spirits of my ancestors were with me watching over me, lending me their strength.  It was hard, excruciating; the mental anguish at times was so great I was certain my very soul would shatter, but it didn't.  I did not permanently lose my sanity.

There is hope in all things because God knows what is best for us.  Christ's atonement filled in the gaps.  He saves us from ourselves and our many weaknesses.  All we have to do is put our trust in God, allow Him to mold us, to refine us into the people He knows we can become and in the end, everything will be okay.

On a day to day basis I don't always think about the big picture.  Sometimes I forget.  I get frustrated.  Why does it have to be so hard?  Why can't I just get a break?  But in the end I always know, regardless of my own foolishness, whether we can see it or not, there truly is hope in all things.