January 13, 2010 Selfishness?

My heart goes out to the people of Haiti.  It seems so easy to think your life is hard, then something like a huge earthquake happens and all of your problems lose significance.  One woman angrily commented that the United States shouldn't respond, claiming Haiti should handle it's own problems.  She asked, why do we have to be there first offering relief when so many other countries hate us?  I couldn't believe anyone would say such a thing, that they could be so selfish.  She must be a very miserable human being.

Sometimes it has been hard for me to distinguish what is selfish and what is not.  I once had a counselor who challenged me to do one thing for me and only me throughout the course of a week.  It was like torture.  All I'd decided to do was get a milkshake at McDonalds - just me and some food for ten minutes at the most.  The guilt I felt for doing that one simple thing, even spending the money (I'm such a big spender), was huge.  It made me realize how ridiculously extreme I'd become about denying myself entirely for the sake of taking care of everyone and everything else.  The stress of carrying the world on my shoulders was killing me.  My daughter said today, "Mom, I feel like Atlas."  Boy could we relate.  I let her watch a TV show while I did the dishes she thought she 'should' be washing.

It took me a while to finally figure out that by totally denying myself any 'me' time, I was diminishing my ability to do what I wanted to do most - take care of everyone else.  The anger, the self hatred that was boiling beneath the surface of my psyche, was tearing me apart.  I'd be raging mad as I fixed dinner and tried to take care of my kids at the same time thinking my husband 'should' notice and come help me out.  Why didn't I just ask for help?  It was silly.  I didn't ask because I thought I 'should' be able to handle it with or without him.  Asking him was like admitting I was insufficient.

I would come home from teaching high school wound up tight as a knot.  The tension in the air would be like a tangible presence between myself and my husband, our kids.  I was losing weight hand over fist - more self denial - almost like I deserved the punishment of going without food because I was doing such a poor job of keeping everything else going.  The doctor said if I lost any more weight he was going to put me in the eating disorders ward at the hospital.  That shook me up a bit.  The last thing I wanted was to be back in the hospital.  At the same time I was kind of happy with how skinny I'd become. 

My husband suggested that I start weight lifting.  I'd gain muscle which weighs more than fat, so I'd gain weight without increasing my size.  So that's what I did.  We paid for a few sessions of weight training for me at a small gym to get me started.  Sacrificing the time and money was tough.  If my fear of the hospital hadn't been hanging over my head I might not have kept with it.  I did keep with it, however, and it helped.

Every day after work I'd go pump off all the angst and anger I had over all the things I couldn't control, or hadn't done right.  By the time I was finished I was too tired to care.  The endorphins would kick in.  Of course my husband figured out I'd been having issues about me shouldering too much of the load, so like the hero he always has been for me, he did more.  It was like I could breathe again.

To sum it up, you need to take care of yourself in order to make sure you're well enough to take care of anyone else.  I love to swim in the pool with my dogs, read good books, watch movies with my family and, occasionally treat myself to a milkshake at McDonalds.  One depression book I have makes you list all kinds of small enjoyable things that you have or wish you could have in your life.  Then the assignment is to make sure you do at least one of them a day.  It's an unfinished assignment I'm still working on. :)