The Emergency Phone List

Sometime after my second child was born and the postpartem depression had me turned into mush I had to make a decision - kill myself or survive.  It sounds almost silly, but it was true.  I had to make my mind up to really put my dukes up and fight, or give up entirely.  After I wrote the "Suicidal Thoughts" poem it was pretty clear I couldn't allow myself the luxury of a simple end which left me with only one other option - fight. 

It's tough to fight when you're alone and confused and you know you can't go on.  Some mornings I'd wake up faced with the challenge of getting my kids to daycare and myself to work. My husband would already be gone to school.  I was alone facing a major mental meltdown.  Somehow in the midst of that turmoil I came up with a never ending phone list concept.  The idea was that if someone - anyone - called me asking for help, the kind of help I needed, if at all possible, I knew I would drop everything and do what I could to help.  That meant that even a total stranger could potentially be willing to be my friend even, maybe especially, when I was losing my mind.

One morning I called all the usual family members for help.  No one was answering.  So I put my new theory to practice.  I picked up our ward or church directory and started calling people.  No matter how many rejections I got, or how many people weren't at home, I was going to call until I found someone who could come help.  It was a pretty desperate measure at a very desperate time for me.  It also worked.

Not long after I'd begun the practice, my husband and I had to move to San Francisco for his medical school.  There was only one other couple we knew who was going to school in the same area.  I had no family to rely on at all.  But, I held to the same calling list theory.  I'd pick up the church member list, the neighbor phone list, anything I thought might work and when the need arose I knew I could call until I found someone who was willing to be there for me.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't do it very often.  In fact, I probably only did it a handful of times.  But because I'd already come up with a plan and the dead determination to carry it out if needed, I was able to survive times which might not otherwise have been survivable.

So there you have two important points.  If at all possible, make a plan before the crisis arises.  Then you'll know what to do even when you aren't thinking straight.  Second, remember how much you would want to help someone else if given the opportunity, then be willing to give someone else that gift.  All kinds of people are more than willing to do all kinds of things to help others once they know the need is out there.  Sometimes you have to swallow your pride, ask for the help, and take comfort in knowing that when the opportunity arises, you will gladly do the same for someone else.