Dear God I want to scream! I want to scream so long and loud that the walls of the house begin to rattle. This morning there is no doubt in my mind that I’ve got carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand. Half the fingers are completely numb. There’s nothing to be done! It’s driving me nuts!
On top of that I’ve got some fat nasty tennis elbow pain going on. My right arm isn’t so bad as the left. It just aches, hurts like not other when I touch it to relieve the pain and of course, do any kind of heavy lifting.
On the other hand, (odd pun there if you think about it) my left arm is causing me almost constant, excruciating pain. It’s so bad in the morning I don’t want to move my arm. I don’t want to move period. Getting dressed is literally an ordeal.
I know, you’re thinking, so shut up about it and see a doctor! Yeah, well I think I’ve exhausted all my desire to see doctors. In the last couple of years I’ve had five trigger fingers released, a carpal tunnel repair, a golfers elbow procedure, a tennis elbow correction - one which I believe was a fraud - and a shoulder rotator cuff cleaning all on my left side. (I’m left handed if you haven’t guessed already.)
In the end, just typing this out is going to leave me in pain. I can’t play the piano for more than ten minutes before it hurts too much. Handwriting is a killer.
Whine, whine, whine, whine . . . . poor baby. If you’ll let me finish, I’ll get to my point - one which I unfortunately utterly abhor.
So I’ve had multiple surgeries, seen doctors, ran MRIs and blood tests. It seems like I’ve been through every test imaginable, but I’m married to a doctor, so I know better. There’s fluid in my hip. My knee and foot joints have issues. I’ve got fibromyalgia - another term for constant, incurable, pain. Etc., etc., etc.
Enough already. The point is about self reliance. Many, many years ago I had my husband point out to me that if I didn’t take the time to take care of myself, I would be greatly diminishing my ability to help others, most especially my family.
You see, my behavior pattern was, take care of the kids, take care of my husband, take care of the house, and it’s mountains of laundry, oh yes, don’t forget you’ve got to earn a living. While you’re at it, remember you’ve got to be the best at whatever you are . . . and so on. No time for me to be me. No time for exercise or reading favorite books, or writing. You get the picture.
By trying to be everything for everyone else all the time, I was literally forcing myself into a corner, silently screaming for help until I had a mental meltdown.
It took me a while, but the point really hit home when the doctor threatened to send me to the eating disorders ward. How could he do such a thing? I had the best figure ever! A size one sounded great!
When my husband suggested spending some of our incredibly meager income on a personal trainer, I fought him tooth and nail. Unfortunately, his idea was a far better, less costly option than a full time hospital stay. No one was going to stick a tube down my throat!
Over the years I’ve made one concession after another to accommodate my mental health. I quit teaching and began a business out of my own home so that I could stay home with the kids and somewhat control my work environment. Exercise has almost always played a part in my life. Some days I get on the bike, pedal for at least 30 minutes and give myself huge bonus points for just doing something.
That brings me back to now. The fact is, I’m getting older. That typing speed I maintained at 100+ wpm and long piano playing / teaching career has taken it’s toll. Now I’m in near constant excruciating pain. I never want to see another doctor, run another test or endure yet another surgery. But for the sake of that self reliance rule, what choice do I have?
Go see another doctor already and stop griping! Grrr! There’s a rule for you - do what you must to take care of yourself, not so much for you, but for everyone else around you. It is so easy to deny myself, but when it hurts others, I can’t be irresponsible.
Just as a side note: I still hate doctors!
2/4/10
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