For days I've written about all kinds of subjects related to depression and mental illness, only to decide they're just not working. In the end I've deleted every one. The bottom line is that I'm falling apart. My own racing thoughts are feeding my brain with too much to catch. Holding on to my thoughts right now is difficult. When I do, I hold on to the wrong ones.
Yesterday afternoon I came home from a wedding shower for my daughter. For more than six hours I'd been fighting off a nightmare of a headache - probably due to tension. Throughout the whole thing I kept inadvertently clutching at my head. There was nothing I could do or take to get rid of the pain, not until the whole thing was over and I got home.
All my life I've had a certain amount of social anxiety. I like to socialize, but I get hypercritical of myself. I feel terribly awkward, like I don't know the polite or graceful thing to do. For hours after any social event, if I let myself, I'll be playing an replaying one small incident after another, thinking about how I should have done one thing or another; how I totally messed up everything.
I was eleven years old when I first keenly noticed my social fears. On a trip where I was staying with some people I didn't know I was stuck outside with a three year old for a few minutes. I was absolutely terrified. Talking with a three year old scared me to death. It was ludicrous.
From then on I decided I wasn't going to let my social fears control me. I deliberately forced myself to meet new people. I found that if I initiated the conversation, my confidence generally stayed higher. It was a smart move. In many respects I overcame my fear.
Yesterday, however, I was already wound up with worries on top of my social fears. My confidence was low. Nothing was in my ballpark mentally speaking. I survived it. One way or another I'm always too determined not to survive such events. (This may or may not be a good characteristic.)
Afterwards I came home in a vegetable state. For a long time I had to sit still, concentrating very hard on keeping my body physically relaxed - a form of biofeedback. Even then, I started crying. Why would I be crying after my daughter's wedding shower?
Just to get myself to stop thinking the thoughts that had gotten me crying in the first place, I went in the bedroom to watch TV with my husband for a few minutes. He'd asked me if we could go grocery shopping right after I'd gotten home. After the TV I decided the shopping would be a good diversion for my mind.
By then it was well after 5:00. I thought at that time on a Saturday that the grocery store wouldn't be such a madhouse. On that point I was extremely wrong. It was worse than Saturday morning. I wasn't thinking clearly in the first place, which led me to picking up some bad fruit. We caught it when we were in the check out stand, (bad timing). The fruit was the whole reason why we'd made the trip, so we went to the laborious trouble of getting better fruit. My husband was upset with me.
Over the last two days my husband has snapped at me over downright airheadedness on my part. Like I said, I'm not at the top of my game right now. His snappiness is a clear indication that the stress is getting to him as well. All the same, last night I had a terrible nightmare about how he decided to dump me and marry a friend of mine. He said he was too tired of having to deal with me and my problems. He needed to have a chance at happiness with someone 'normal.'
I was crushed beyond measure. I totally went bullistic over collecting spousal and child support. I wanted him to hurt the same way I was hurting. He'd totally discarded me like a piece of trash. It was without a doubt, one of my worst fears played out to the fullest.
Things really aren't so bad. I've got to pause and remember all of my blessings. My focus needs to be on what is most important right now, not on all the tiny details that jump out at me, screaming for the whole of my attention. I refuse to let myself get too uptight about this wedding. Whatever happens, happens. If the dresses don't match perfectly, I will survive. The dresses aren't the most important part. What's most important is that my daughter is getting married to a really great guy. He's the best medicine for her in every way.
This is going to be tough.
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