Anger

Anger is a tricky emotion.  I used to have these little psychotic flashes on a frequent basis.  In my car while driving I'd see myself do something like deliberately running a red light to cause an accident.  Or I'd be in the kitchen with a knife and I'd see vision of myself stabbing my husband.  You get the idea.

They seemed really random to me.  At times they'd be more frequent than at others.  It took me a long time to figure out exactly why they were happening.

You see, I expect a lot from myself.  Inside my head there's this constant list of things I 'should' be doing.  I 'should' be the perfect wife who keeps the house in perfect order, has meals ready on the table on time, plans and runs the household like a pro.  I 'should' be the perfect office manager who is there from 8:00 to 5:00, no lunch allowed, working to serve the needs of the patients, my employees, my husband doctor - anybody but me.  I 'should' be working to get a writing career going for myself, be more active in my church, learn scrapbooking, volunteer at the schools, etc. etc. etc.

There is no possible way for me to live up to all the 'shoulds' that are constantly running around inside my head.  When I don't live up to that impossible standard I get frustrated.  I get angry.  Sometimes it's good to get angry.  Anger is a great motivator.  If I see myself slipping away from being the kind of person I want myself to be, the anger usually kicks in enough to get me back on track. 

But, like I said, the standards I set are unrealistic.  There's no way I'm going to live up to everything.  It makes me angry.  I interpret the anger to be a bad emotion, and do my best to supress it.  That is when those little psychotic flashes come into play.

My repressed anger emerges in the form of violent thoughts.  I don't want to just hurt myself, I want to hurt the rest of the world for holding me back, for making life so difficult.  Why can't my husband be more helpful?  Why should I have to shoulder so much at work?  I didn't want this job.  Why does the house need to be perfectly clean and why should I be the one who must keep it that way?  Anger, anger, anger.

Logically I know I can't do or be everything for everyone.  Emotionally accepting that is an entirely different matter.  The anger's got to come out somehow, so I get disturbing flashes.

The good news is, that if I'm doing a good job of managing my stress the flashes don't come.  They can be eliminated entirely if I plan wisely, accept myself along with all of my limitations and budget my time in a way that accommodates my special needs.  I eliminate the stress, which eliminates the anger, which in turn eliminates the flashes.

I didn't know all of this in the beginning.  The flashes started when I was a teenager.  They distressed me terribly.  I couldn't believe my own mind would conjur up ways for me to hurt my own family members - the people I loved the most.  Back then when the thoughts came I'd cut them off, denying their existence, vehemently shutting the whole thing down.  It was actually the best thing I could have done.  I taught myself how to control my own thoughts so they couldn't get out of control.

When I was older, however, and the postpartum depression set in, the visions became huge.  What I saw in my head was violent to the point of absolute gore.  The rage was insatiably blood thirsty.  My little 'cut the thoughts off' technique wasn't enough.

Those were the times when I was unquestionably the most suicidal.  Time and time again I would come to the conclusion that the only way I would be able to spare the lives of others was to kill myself before I acted upon any of my horrific visions.

It is a realistic concern.  We read about people who go on killing rampages in the news all the time.  You don't think those people could be you or your friend or your own family member, but you're wrong.  There's a very fine line between thinking about such things and acting upon them.

I got help.  Even when nobody else thought I could do those terrible things, I knew I could.  It was either kill myself before something bad happened, or do whatever I had to do to find help.

Not everyone's experience with anger is like mine.  Other people get angry when their concept of justice is not met, or things don't measure up to their expectations.  Either way, if you're experiencing a lot of anger and rage it isn't something you should ignore.  You need to figure out why it is there.  If needed, get help before you snap.

I use anger every day.  Sometimes it is why I get up in the morning, why I exercise or fix dinner, or resolve problems at work.  It isn't a bad emotion.  Sometimes you have to toss out your whole concept of 'good' and 'bad' before you can actually see things for what they are.

My daughter now says she has the same kind of flashes that I often used to have.  They've been distressing her greatly.  They don't fit into what she sees herself to be.  I told her to try re-thinking the matter, that maybe it was just her own reaction to stress.  For some reason, just knowing why the anger was there is empowering.  She can move forward now.  I hate to think how things might be if we did not have so much in common.