Early marital advice

Just recently my daughter has been calling me on a regular basis asking for recipies.  She talked about how she's been wearing herself out doing all kinds of cleaning as well.  I don't know why it took me so long, but it finally clicked - she was doing the exact same thing as I did when I first got married.

When I first got married I wanted to be the most perfect wife in the whole wide world.  After all, I was married to the most wonderful guy in the world.  I just wanted to give him what he deserved.  We were living in an attic apartment which was part of a large old home.  Everything about the place was old, used, and dirty.  Our bed mattress was so worn that when we got into bed we'd both roll into the middle because the springs were completely shot.

I didn't pay much notice to those issues.  Being poor and not having things was part of being young and married, right?  All the same, I wanted the place to be clean.  Clean based upon my mother's standards amounted to immaculately, white glove clean.  In a place as old as ours, that kind of clean was impossible which aggravated me a lot.  It was like a constant reminder of my own inadequacies.

The other problem was cooking.  My vision of the ideal home consisted of the wife who was able to cook delicious, well balanced meals every night and have it all ready in time to please my husband.  It didn't matter that we were both going to school full time; both working the same number of hours; both shouldering at least an equal amount of homework; etc.

Now that I think back on the situation it seems ridiculously clear.  Getting dinner on the table, washing the dishes, cleaning the house, running the laundry, were all tasks both of us had to complete, not one neurotic perfectionist who couldn't handle the fact that she couldn't do EVERYTHING perfectly.

In the midst of all this I rarely said or did anything to let my husband know I was going nuts.  In truth, he was pitching in a lot.  Every week he did the laundry over at his dad's place.  It's just that his standards and my standards regarding certain things didn't always match up.  What he thought was okay, was not acceptable to me.  I didn't know how to deal with it.  I hated myself for not being able to deal with it.

My daughter is a lot smarter about those things than I was when I first got married.  I am sure she is far more aware of her own weaknesses than I was willing to let myself see in myself.  That kind of sounds like a slander of some sort, but in truth it is a huge compliment.

I just want her to know that if she feels overwhelmed she needs to talk about it with her husband.  She needs to tell him how she feels and not be afraid that he will think she isn't sufficient the way I was so afraid my husband would see me.

At the same time I want her husband to know that with all her heart and soul, she wants to make him happy.  She wants to be wonder woman for him.  She wants to leap tall buildings and save people from huge disasters all while looking breathtakingly beautiful, all for her husband. (At least that is how I felt.) 

Every time I didn't live up to my own standards was crushing.  That is something my poor husband didn't understand.  I'd be crying in the midst of a mental breakdown because I couldn't do or be everything for him, totally terrified he wouldn't want me any more.  He'd be completely confused wondering what on earth he had done to get me so upset. 

The first year of marriage is the hardest.  They say if you can get through the first three years of marriage, the chances for divorce are significantly reduced.  I think back now and wonder why my husband stuck around.  I guess he must have really loved me.  It's the only expanation I can grasp.

So to my daughter - be smarter than me.  Accept yourself for who you are.  Be realistic.  Talk to your husband.  Do better than me.

To my son-in-law - be patient.  Be helpful.  Understand that what she thinks is necessary may not be what you think is necessary.  You may not always be on the same page.  But above all, love her no matter what.  I don't think you'll have a problem with that task.